I gave in and weighed myself. I am 112.8, which is not so far off track of where I wanted to be by today, which was waking up about .8 lighter than where I am now. That is okay. It will not make me fail out of disappointment. I'm very close to the lowest weight I've been in over a year, so I am almost happy.

Seeing as the buses don't run over the weekend and I am bored as hell, on top of which class is coming up on Tuesday (finally, it begins!), I am going to be studying Russian like my life depends on me being fluent in less than two days. That doesn't mean I will be fluent, it just means I'll be a little better off than I am now - having forgotten most of what I learned over the span of a year, in fewer than two months. Fuck! I need to buckle down and get to work on that.

I hope you are all doing well. Now that I finally have some people reading this blog, I should be a little less self-centered and a little more outwardly focused. Feel free to comment at will!

-Run With Me

p.s. 112.8 pounds and falling =D

Day Two, Take Two

I am very tired right now. Like my lungs are still sleeping, so they aren't functioning at full power, yet I'm moving around which is taxing their ability to function properly. I wonder what that is caused by? It has been coming on for the last couple of days, that my lungs will still be working as though I am sleeping, but it usually lasts only a few hours or goes away once I smoke. I've smoked and it's been awhile, but they are still functioning sub-par.

Today is Day Two, again. And I woke up feeling really weak from not having eaten for two days. That weakness usually goes away after about day three or four, so I know I just have to wait it out.

I will be successful today for two reasons: I want to be successful, and I have no food here and the buses aren't running over the weekend so I can't go downtown to get any.

I feel exhausted enough to go back to sleep, even though it is early. But I tried, for a minute or so, and realized that I could lay there, but not actually be able to fall asleep. So, oh well on that score.

I had my MRI, but it will probably come out to be normal. I don't know what to make of that assumption, because if it does, it means I probably don't have anything fatal. But if it does, then I don't have an answer to what my medical issue is... I don't know what the next step is after an MRI.

Today, my assumed weight is 113.0... and tonight, my assumed weight will be 112.0 if I do not consume anything other than water.

I may be overestimating my weight loss, but I may also be underestimating it. I have lost quite a lot in a short span of time before. So when I eventually do weigh myself, I will probably not be "on target" but either lower or higher than I am assuming. But that is okay. I won't let that disappoint me into eating.

-Run With Me

p.s. Assumed weight, 113.0

Day One, Take Two

I have officially put the scale away. That does not mean that I'm stopping fasting. It simply means that I keep failing and am changing absolutely everything I can think of around to help me manage each day successfully.

Today is, once again, Day One. I am going to assume my weight to be 114.0 pounds, though I haven't weighed myself since I was 112.8 (that was before I consumed so damn much). For every day that I fast, I will subtract one pound by the end of the day... so by tonight I might just be 113.0 if I succeed.

I have my MRI in under three hours.

-Run With Me

p.s. Scale = Gone, Day One Again, Presumed Weight = 114.0

Day Two

I am 112.8 pounds right now and I think my scale may be a little bit cheap. It will stay at the same weight for a long time and then jump me down by an entire pound in an instant. I think it waits until there is a certain amount of weight loss and then decides to show that weight. I don't know how it works. I almost don't even care.

I am working on a great story. I hope to serialize it and sell it to some magazine or something that will pay me for my work. I don't know if that will work out or not, but it is worth looking around on line for a few hours in hopes of finding someone/thing/place that will publish serialized works.

I went to the DOT, but had no luck. So I'm coming up with a completely different plan. On another note, I have my MRI tomorrow at 4:15 at the hospital here and I am hoping that it comes up completely fine/perfect/clean. I don't know what else I will do tomorrow? I haven't really thought this whole plan through. I do know, though, that I will get through this Day Two without any mishaps. I feel like I can do it... It all comes down to what happens when I try to go to sleep hungry. That is what has caused me to fail so many days in a row so far. But I feel confident.

More later,

-Run With Me

p.s. 112.8 pounds

Day One

I'm so extremely fucking tired right now. But it is Day One. I am starting off at 113.0 pounds because of my fuck-up last night. But I can handle that.

I won't say how long this fast is supposed to go because that isn't a concrete idea in my head, plus, I don't want to "jinx it" I should check the time difference between here and Germany so that I know when I can try to contact T... I don't know how terrible the fees will be for that, though.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life and it's driving me nuts. I have no drive because I don't know what to be driving toward. But I feel closer to figuring that out somehow. I don't know how that works, but I feel closer anyway. We'll see how it plays itself out.

I don't have much else to say at the moment other than that I'm heading out to the Doctor in a couple of hours to give them my entire list of damned symptoms of "something" and get a referral to a neurologist who will hopefully be taking pictures of my completely healthy brain and telling me conclusively that I do not have Multiple Sclerosis.

-Run With Me

p.s. 113.0 pounds

I have successfully fasted today. But my best friend here where I live is leaving in a couple of months for another state and town... He's going to what sounds like a great gig and a great life. I just have foreboding feelings about it... like he's going to die before he ever gets the chance to do what he dreams and have that great life. I don't want that. I hope they let him go.

One of my absolute best friends in this world left for Germany today. I think she called me and must have left a message but I can't get to the message yet because my phone is acting up, so if you are reading this, I hope you had a safe trip and I want to hear from you all about it soon!

The image to the upper right reminds me of days spent with T and K in coffee parlors talking for hours and never getting bored. We could go on and on because it was always about life, always after having longed to get together for so long that actually doing it was an accomplishment worthy of the out-pouring of our woes and triumphs. I miss that. I miss that a lot.

It was about love. Unfortunately, the people I love tend to die sooner than they ever should. I've lost five people to my love... I don't want to lose another. I don't want to lose my best friend who is going to Minneapolis and I don't want to lose T or K to anything. What would I do without these people in my life? I would keep on trucking through the way I do now, but huge holes, unfillable holes, would be there. How could I be happy after that kind of loss again? How could I ever survive in my head after that? My body could continue on ad infinitum. But could I?

I weighed 113.0 this morning, this afternoon I was down to 111.6 and now I weigh the exact same, 111.6 pounds. It will go down by the time I wake up tomorrow morning. It will all be alright eventually: my friends will stay alive because the pattern of my close friends and loves of my life dying has ended. It's over. And they will let him go.

-Run With ME

p.s. 111.6 pounds