Things are getting strange. I woke up at five til six pm today... Yesterday it was nearly four pm, the day before that nearly three, and the day before that it was 1:55pm.... Why am I sleeping so damn late now? I'm sleeping my entire daytimes away!

I went to bed this morning, approximately 1:07am, at 114.8 pounds due to my own familiar folly. I woke up, 6pm, at 112.4 pounds. I haven't weighed myself in the last thirty-four minutes, but I went outside into the raging heat and probably sweated myself down some... I'll check real fast... Same.

I need to put some really serious thought into fasting again. I've given myself too much leeway, when I thought I was giving myself just enough to get by.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but I took the telltale tea last night, two cups, two separate tea bags. And when I weighed in at 114.8 I had just finished drinking them, so had about 16oz of water in my stomach when I stepped on the scale. Not the smartest way to weigh myself I know.

I made a chart the other day, about projected weight loss if I keep fucking up. Here it is, hopefully it is somewhat accurate:

May 30th = 111.8
May 31st = 112.0 to 110.8
June 1st = 109.6
June 2nd = 110.0 to 109.4
June 3rd = 108.0
June 4th = 108.8 to 108.0
June 5th = 107.0
June 6th = 108.0 to 107.2
June 7th = 106.0
June 8th = 105.0

Conversely, if I fast and lose weight for every one of those ten days (ten days until the 8th when my summer class starts), this is what it might look like:

May 30th = 111.8
May 31st = 110.8
June 1st = 109.8
June 2nd = 108.8
June 3rd = 107.8
June 4th = 106.8
June 5th = 105.8
June 6th = 104.8
June 7th = 103.8
June 8th = 102.8

I could either be 105.0 pounds and have a BMI of 18.6 or I could be 102.8 pounds and have a BMI of 18.2... not that big of a difference, but the difference in my physicality and physical size will be enormous because on of these methods has me eating and failing, thus keeping a certain appearance and non-invisibility, while the other has me fasting constantly and thus sort of disappearing much faster. And that's what I want. I want to disappear. I will try to fast for the next ten days.

Wish me luck,

-Run With Me

p.s. 112.4 pounds

I woke up this afternoon at around 3pm at 113.8 pounds. I am now 113.0 pounds. The day is being okay to me. I am in a fasting-mode today, meaning I don't feel like consuming and am determined, almost helplessly, not to do so. I wish I hadn't given in the way I did last night with the bread and cheese, but what is done is done. Not something I should dwell over or beat myself up (anymore than I already did) for.

I will be fine. That is what I keep telling myself. In this losing weight, I will be just fine. I will get where I want to be, even if it takes some minor ups and some more reliable downs. The downs (meaning weightloss) will win out because I want them to.

-Run With Me

p.s. 113.0 pounds

I saw two things today which I wish to chronicle here because they really made an impression on me. The First was an old man. I was sitting, writing away and smoking in a tobacco shop and across from me, one table diagonally to my right, was this man who moved more slowly than I've ever seen any human being attempt to move before. He rose from his table, reached out, shoved his wallet into his pocket and by that time five minutes (roughly) had passed. He had to be nearing or in his 90's. He struck me as the sloth embodiment of human age.

The second occurrence was actually a conversation I had with a man who must have been in his early 30's who was partially paralyzed on his left side. We got to talking and he told me that when he was 19 years old, he had a hemorrhage in his brain that caused him to go into a coma for two weeks and wake up completely paralyzed and unable to speak. Now he can walk on his own with only a brace on his left calf-to-toe and a shuffle. He carries his left arm without any coordination or proof of much control over it, yet still he is a functioning human being with what seemed to me (at least at the moment) to be a very peaceful, optimistic attitude.

I am very close to the lowest weight I have been in over a year. That weight is, embarrassingly, 112.2 pounds. I have not weighed myself since 113.6 pounds this morning so I may actually be in the 112's right now - I plan to take a nap and weigh myself after. I also may not have lost any weight at all. That is a distinct possibility that I am keeping in the front of my mind so that I am not disappointed when I finally do weigh myself later.

I realize that it has been a very long time since I have been in the double digits weight-wise. I am looking forward to being there again. I think I have tracked that last time to being January and early February of 2009. There is a lot that I used to be or have or do that I am not or haven't had or done in over a year. I think in this last stretch of time between then and now so much has changed that my life now is practically unrecognizable as the same life I breathed then. I don't even know where to begin to track all of the changes. But I can feel them now, when I come across something familiar that is not a part of my life anymore. That sticks out to me, and is even sometimes painful - even when that familiar thing was ultimately the worst thing for me. I still miss what I have lost... I don't know what I have lost though.

Sitting in that tobacco parlor a couple of hours ago, I had this overwhelming sense that I was losing something at that very moment. Something worth grieving over. Something that I will spend the rest of my life missing and longing for. But I don't know what that could possibly be!? I was just sitting there, writing. I wasn't doing anything, making any decisions, changing my life in any radical way. I was simply feeling an awful, charbroiling, conflagration of grief absolutely booming in my sternum. I don't want that again. I've lost and grieved so much in my life, and still do - I really don't need anything fresh to grieve for. There is only so much I can afford to feel before my body is too full of it all and it has nowhere to go but out.