Monday, May 24, 2010

Who Am I?

I am a monster tracking the footprints of an eating disorder through the dark. I have an ED-NOS, am 117.6 pounds (as of this morning) loosing my arrow at an 86 pound target that is red only around the edges and invisible in the center. I am grieving for the loved ones I have lost, five of them on five separate occasions - they are not my family members but my best friends and my lovers from a past age. I am afraid - I have 2 very close friends now whom I cannot lose and stay sane. I accept that we are all in danger of dying and it makes me terrified for their lives. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which manifests itself in various uncomfortable ways. I am the youngest in my family and in my group of friends and acquaintances. I am the youngest of everyone I surround myself with and yet I've had more experiences in my life than anyone I've met so far... I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be an 'old soul' or 'broken', a 'survivor' or 'tested'. These are phrases others who know me sometimes use. I want to be able to live a boring life; in order to do that I needed to have lived a boring life. I'm still so young. I'm trying to have my childhood now. I can still be innocent! i can have that, right? Everyone still has some innocence left in them. I believe that.

I'm sitting out in the sun righ tnow, in 90-something degree heat, writing this in my paper journal that I finally gave in and decided to keep. I have tasked myself with beign out here for three hours to try to lose just a little bit more weight today than I might otherwise.

Today is Day One of my first (out of three) ten day fast. Between each stretch of ten days, I give myself two days to consume up to 1000 calories of healthy proportions of healthy, nutrient-filled foods. That is, to clarify, 1000 calories total for both days. Then I will fast for ten days, take two, ten days, and hopefully be at my goal weight: 86 pounds.

I DO NOT want to make this blog into an obsessive weight-counting diatribe. I want this blog to actually be worth something to someone. I will fill you in on the important things that can and do happen in every day of my life. I will let you know my Theories and Principles of Life which have saved my life and others' lives. I will hopefully figure out who I really am and who I want to be. I will make life goals on this blog, and I will pursue those goals with updates on my progress here.

What can you expect from me? Pain. Relief from boredom. Entertainment. The occasional witty phrase and perhaps a gem or two of unexpected knowledge.

Having said all of the above, I will recap this way: I am a young man with ED-NOS. But that is only one way to describe me. I will talk about most aspects of my life here. I want to be very clear when I say, please comment to your hearts content. This means that I need you to know that I WILL NOT MIND insensitive comments when they are made either with a grain of truth to them or with your wholehearted belief in them. If you are sending mean comments with no purpose to them other than to sting someone else for your own entertainment, give up now. You won't get any respect from me.

-Run With Me

p.s. I am now 116.0 pounds (3pm). This is how I will comment on my weight usually - as a small post-script at the bottom of a post.